just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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