I am puke
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sext me about skeletons
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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