I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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