can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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