Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
