I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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