We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
