i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
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Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
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I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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