Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
