How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i out mim tonsoeep
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
