Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I can text with my tongue
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
