why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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