i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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