my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
