I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
