marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
