i just google imaged poop.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
