Ambien. No doubt about it.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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