is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
