he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
