And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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