Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
