i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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