I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
