Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
