Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
