i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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