so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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