I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
