i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
