Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
