so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
