I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
