shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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