You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
bring money and cleavage
Dignity is for republicans.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
