Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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