He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
