Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
