theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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