11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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