im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
