Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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