She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.