I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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