I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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