Your tits are I can't wait for
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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