Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
