Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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