there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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