I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
