Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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