i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.