I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
